the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
