Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
