The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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