i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
