the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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