My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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