Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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