so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
