i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
