Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize