Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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