Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
