I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Randomize
