good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
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