Can Purell be used as lube?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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