Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
