if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
