I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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