Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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