Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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