i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
