so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
