I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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