I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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