I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Randomize
