Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
