Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
