when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize