you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
did you just send me my own nude
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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