You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
