There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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