I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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