I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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