Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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