I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
