the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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