Banned from zoo.
Again?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
