If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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