dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
