You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
