Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
