Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
