you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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