Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
