i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
