I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
