I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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