Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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