why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
The ass gains better be worth it
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