The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
