drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
