Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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