when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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