just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
