the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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