well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
