Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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