I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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