Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
