drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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